Joan Rivers: Her Statements

[1] A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

[2] Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

[3] Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

[4] Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

[5] Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.

[6] Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

[7] Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

[8] He who limps is still walking.

[9] I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

[10] I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

[11] I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

[12] I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

[13] I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

[14] I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

[15] I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, "Get the hell off my property."

[16] I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

[17] If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

[18] Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

[19] It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

[20] My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

[21] My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

[22] My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

[23] My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

[24] Never floss with a stranger.

[25] No steam or gas ever drives anything until it is confined. No Niagara is ever turned into light and power until it is tunneled. No life ever grows until it is focused, dedicated, disciplined.

[26] Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.

[27] Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

[28] She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

[29] Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

[30] The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

[31] The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

[32] There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

[33] "Where there is a will there is a way." is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.