The Duck

A duck walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*****g bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf, we haven't got any f*****g bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f*****g beak to the bar you irritating bird!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Stress. Tension. Panic.

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant.

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant.

Panic is when both are pregnant.

Delivered

Tim sent a SMS to his pregnant wife.

Two seconds later a report came to his phone and he started dancing.

The report said, "DELIVERED".

AIDS

Man is dying of cancer.

His son asked him, "Dad, why do you keep telling people you're dying of AIDS?"

Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch your mom.”

Computer Talk

Husband: (Returning late from work) "Good Evening Dear, I`m now logged in."
Wife: Have you brought the grocery?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: But I told you in the morning!
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort?
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are useless.
Husband: It's by Default.
Wife: What about your Salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try later.
Wife: By the way who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL+ALT+DEL to reboot.
Wife: What is my value in the family?
Husband: Unknown Virus