God And The Spider

During World War II, a US Marine was separated from his unit on a Pacific island. The fighting had been intense, and in the smoke and the crossfire, he had lost touch with his comrades.

Alone in the jungle, he could hear enemy soldiers coming in his direction. Scrambling for cover, he found his way up a high ridge to several small caves in the rock. Quickly he crawled inside one of the caves. Although safe for the moment, he realized that once the enemy soldiers looking for him swept up the ridge, they would quickly search all the caves and he would be killed.

As he waited, he prayed, "Lord, if it be your will, please protect me. Whatever your will though, I love you and trust you. Amen." After praying, he lay quietly listening to the enemy begin to draw close. He thought, "Well, I guess the Lord isn't going to help me out of this one." Then he saw a spider begin to build a web over the front of his cave.

As he watched, listening to the enemy searching for him all the while, the spider layered strand after strand of web across the opening of the cave.

"Hah, he thought. "What I need is a brick wall and what the Lord has sent me is a spider web. God does have a sense of humor."

As the enemy drew closer he watched from the darkness of his hideout and could see them searching one cave after another. As they came to his, he got ready to make his last stand. To his amazement, however, after glancing in the direction of his cave, they moved on. Suddenly, he realized that with the spider web over the entrance, his cave looked as if no one had entered for quite a while. "Lord, forgive me," prayed the young man. "I had forgotten that in you a spider's web is stronger than a brick wall."

About Women And For Women

A poem by Maya Angelou

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
one old love she can imagine going back to... and one who reminds her how far she has come...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own even if she never wants to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a youth she's content to leave behind....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to retelling it in her old age....

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE…
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored..

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
How to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table... or a charming inn in the woods... when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month... and a year...

Psalm 23

This is an eye opener... Some probably never thought nor looked at this Psalm in this way... even though they say it over and over again.

The Lord is my Shepherd - That's Relationship!
I shall not want - That's Supply
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures - That's Rest!
He leadeth me beside the still waters - That's Refreshment!
He restoreth my soul - That's Healing!
He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness - That's Guidance!
For His name sake - That's Purpose!
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death - That's Testing!
I will fear no evil - That's Protection!
For Thou art with me - That's Faithfulness
Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me - That's Discipline!
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of my enemies - That's Hope!
Thou anointest my head with oil - That's Consecration!
My cup runneth over - That's Abundance!
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life - That's Blessing!
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord - That's Security!
Forever - That's Eternity!

The One Holding The Child

There was an atheist couple who had a child. The couple never told their daughter anything about the Lord.

One night when the little girl was 5 years old, the parents fought with each other and the Dad shot the Mom, right in front of the child. Then, the Dad shot himself.

The little girl watched it all. She then was sent to a foster home. The foster mother was a Christian and took the child to church.

On the first day of Sunday School, the foster mother told the teacher that the girl had never heard of Jesus, and to have patience with her. The teacher held up a picture of Jesus and said, "Does anyone know who this is?"

The little girl said, "I do, that's the man who was holding me the night my parents died."

The Cracked Pot

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole, which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, and because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side? That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you've watered them.

“For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house"

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them.

Piece of Cake

A little boy is telling his Grandma how everything is going wrong. School, family problems, severe health problems, etc…

Meanwhile, Grandma is baking a cake.

She asks her grandson if he would like a snack, which, of course, he does.

"Here, have some cooking oil."

"Yuck" says the boy.

"How about a couple raw eggs?"

"Gross, Grandma!"

"Would you like some flour then? Or maybe baking soda?"

"Grandma, those are all yucky!"

To which Grandma replies: "Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves. But when they are put together in the right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake!

God works the same way. Many times we wonder why He would let us go through such bad and difficult times. But God knows that when He puts these things all in His order, they always work for good!

We just have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all make something wonderful!

Safety tips for Women

Refresh yourself of these things to do in an emergency situation...This is for you, and for you to share with your wife, your children, everyone you know.

After reading these 9 crucial tips, forward them to someone you care about. It never hurts to be careful in this crazy world we live in.

1 . Tip from Tae Kwon Do : The elbow is the strongest point on your body. If you are close enough to use it, do!

2. Learned this from a tourist guide in New Orleans. If a robber asks for your wallet and/or purse, DO NOT HAND IT TO HIM . Toss it away from you....chances are that he is more interested in your wallet and/or purse than you, and he will go for the wallet/purse. RUN LIKE MAD IN THE OTHER DIRECTION!

3. If you are ever thrown into the trunk of a car, kick out the back tail lights and stick your arm out the hole and start waving like crazy. The driver won't see you, but everybody else will. This has saved lives.

4. Women have a tendency to get into their cars after shopping, eating, working, etc., and just sit (doing their checkbook, or making a list, etc. DON'T DO THIS!) The predator will be watching you, and this is the perfect opportunity for him to get in on the passenger side, put a gun to your head, and tell you where to go. AS SOON AS YOU GET INTO YOUR CAR, LOCK THE DOORS AND LEAVE.

a. If someone is in the car with a gun to your head DO NOT DRIVE OFF, repeat: DO NOT DRIVE OFF! Instead gun the engine and speed into anything, wrecking the car. Your Air Bag will save you. If the person is in the back seat they will get the worst of it. As soon as the car crashes bail out and run. It is better than having them find your body in a remote location.

5 . A few notes abou t getting into your car in a parking lot, or parking garage:
A.) Be aware: look around you, look into your car, at the passenger side floor, and in the back seat.
B.) If you are parked nex t to a big van, enter your car from the passenger door. Most serial killers attack their victims by pulling them into their vans while the women are attempting to get into their cars.
C.) Look at the car parked on the driver's side of your vehicle, and the passenger side. If a male is sitting alone in the seat nearest your car, you may want to walk back into the mall, or work, and get a guard/policeman to walk you back out.
IT IS ALWAYS BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. (And better paranoid than dead.)

6. ALWAYS take the elevator instead of the stairs. (Stairwells are horrible places to be alone and the perfect crime spot. This is especially true at NIGHT!)

7. If the predator has a gun and you are not under his control, ALWAYS RUN! The predator will only hit you (a running target) 4 in 100 times; And even then, it most likely WILL NOT be a vital organ. RUN, Preferably ! in a zig -zag pattern!

8. As women, we are always trying to be sympathetic: STOP . It may get you raped, or killed. Ted Bundy, the serial killer, was a good-looking, well educated man, who ALWAYS played on the sympathies of unsuspecting women. He walked with a cane, or a limp, and often asked "for help" into his vehicle or with his vehicle, which is when he abducted his next victim.

9. Another Safety Point: Someone just told me that her friend heard a crying baby on her porch the night before last, and she called the police because it was late and she thought it was weird. The police told her "Whatever you do, DO NOT open the door."

The lady then said that it sounded like the baby had crawled near a window, and she was worried that it would crawl to the street and get run over. The policeman said, "We already have a unit on the way, whatever you do, DO NOT open the door." He told her that they think a serial killer has a baby's cry recorded and uses it to coax women out of their homes thinking that someone dropped off a baby. He said they have not verified it, but have had several calls by women saying that they hear baby's cries outside their doors when they're home alone at night.

Please pass this on and DO NOT open the door for a crying baby ----This e-mail should probably be taken seriously because the Crying Baby theory was mentioned on America's Most Wanted this past Saturday when they profiled the serial killer in Louisiana.

I'd like you to forward this to all the women you know. It may save a life.

Can I Borrow Some Money?

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5-year-old son waiting for him at the door...

Son: "Daddy, may I ask you a question"
Daddy: "Yeah sure, what it is?"
Son: "Dad, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
Son: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
Daddy: "I make $50 an hour"

"Oh", the little boy replied, with his head down.

Looking up, he said, "Dad, may I please borrow $50?"

The father was furious, "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or other nonsense, then march yourself to your room and go to bed. Think why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior"

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?

After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think: "May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $50 and he really didn't ask for money very often!"

The man went to the door of little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep, son?" He asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, may be I was too hard on you earlier", said the man, "It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for"

The little boy sat straight up, smiling "oh thank you dad!" He yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled some crippled up notes. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at his father.

"Why do you want money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied. "Daddy I have $50 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."

When You Fall In Love (Debunking the Myths That Are Driving You Crazy)

By: Bo Sanchez
This article isn't for teenagers only.

Falling in love happens to the young and the not-so-young. (Did you see 42-year-old Tom Cruise jump up and down Oprah's couch because of Katie?)

I t happens to everyone. Fat, thin, tall, short, intelligent, uneducated, holy, not so holy, dark, white, yellow, green?it doesn't really matter.

All of us fall in love.
And we get stuck in myths that drive us absolutely crazy.

My goal is to debunk these myths and convince you not to believe in them.
Let's begin……?

MYTH 1: LOVE WILL CONQUER ALL
Let me qualify.

This is such a tricky myth. Because love ----- as defined by the Bible ------ will conquer all. But love ------ as defined by glazed-eyed lovers ----- will not.

If you believe in this myth, you might do the following:

You overlook major obstacles in your relationship.

Everyone you know is wondering why you chose that creature from outer space as your boyfriend. Your bestfriends are telling you to get rid of him. Your family is telling you to throw him out of a running vehicle. Aling Rosa of the sari-sari store across the street is telling you to lace his drink with poison.

But you won't --------- because you're in love. That's why there are songs entitled, "you and me against the world"

Your bestbuds comment, 'but he's been jobless for the past three years!"
And you say, "He's free-spirited. He feels boxed in when he's in the office. '(in other words, he's undisciplined, lazy bum.)

Your officemates say, 'He flirts with other women constantly!' and you say, 'No, he's just friendly.' (in other words, he's a pervert)

Your cousins say, 'He's taking drugs, He's got needle marks all over his arm. And you say, 'No, he's into cross stitching.'

You overstay in toxic relationships, believing that your love will change him

The wedding doesn't transform anyone.

Even if three Popes officiate the wedding.

The person you'll march with into the church will be the same person you'll march with out of the church. He doesn't change one bit.
In fact, the marriage makes the hidden more obvious.

If he was selfish before he got married, he will be even more selfish after the wedding.

If he was hypercritical before he got married, he'll even be more vile and prolific with his criticisms after wedding.

Here's the truth : You need more than feelings of love to make a relationship work.

You need mature character, total commitment and a minimum level of compatibility.

Especially compatibility in the area of values and mission in life. I hear people say,
'We're compatible. Our names begin with the same letter J. My name is Julie and his name is Julio. We're both born in July."
Wow. That's so deep, I want to cry.

MYTH 2 : WHEN IT"S TRUE LOVE YOU WILL KNOW THE MOMENT YOU MEET THE OTHER PERSON

I'm sure you've had this experience before.

You are in a crowded room. You're surrounded by boring, noisy chatter when, suddenly, this gorgeous guy enters the door.
Your eyes meet.

Instantly, time stands still. The universe grinds to a halt. Except for this attractive man in front of you, everything in your vision becomes a giant blur. The hubbub of the crowd becomes a soft muffle and, from out of nowhere, you here gentle violin music from the background.

One week later, he's your boyfriend.

A few weeks later, you discover that your boyfriend's a pathological liar, buried in credit card debt, borrows money from all his girlfriends (you're his eight in six months).

Your mind says, 'Dump him'

Your heart says, 'But it was love at first sight!'

Here are the consequences ?lt;/SPAN>

You become so focused on the magical first moment, you become blind to the dark side of the relationship.

Six out of seven days, you're fighting with your boyfriend.

But you can't give him up because you met each other in such a magical moment.

Your car keys fell and he picked it up, and then your eyes met, you smelled his deodorant, and you dropped your keys again ……How can you not be meant for each other?

You become a love-at-first-sight junkie that you could miss out on the 'real thing'.

One intelligent woman told me, 'Bo, there's this guy who's courting me. He's okay.

He's kind, he's responsible, he has a good job…….'

"I could hear a 'but' coming ," I said.
'but there are no sparks!" she bit her lip.

"No violin music playing in the background huh"
"none. When I see him, the background music I hear is lululalu-lalulalulalei?#34;

"listen. You don't need a magical first moment to meet our potential husband. The important things are mature character, financial responsibility, ability for commitment, compatible mission and values?#34;

I actually met this girl again on her wedding, and before she marched down the aisle, she whispered to me, "Do you hear the violin music, Bo? It's loud and clear."

It doesn't have to be love at first sight.

In fact, marriages with the least adjustments are those between friends who've known each other for years before they realize that they're good marriage material.

What is love at first sight?

Many times, it's lust at first sight. Or infatuation at first sight.

Don't give it too much weight.

Here's the truth: it takes a moment to experience infatuation but true love takes a lifetime.

MYTH 3 : IF IT IS TRUE LOVE YOU WILL FEEL THIS WAY FOR EACH OTHER FOREVER

No, you won't. Here are the consequences for believing this myth :

You panic when the feelings wane, and wonder whether the marriage is over and whether you really loved one another in the first place.

Imagine the night of your honeymoon.

Your new bride is sleeping. The cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze.

You gaze at her lovely face. You study her soft cheeks. Her long eyelashes. Her beautiful nose, her parted red lips.

And all of a sudden, she snores.

"Ngggggggooork"

How do you react? Because it's your honeymoon, you say, 'How cute.'

Six months down the road, the same scene transpires. Your wife is sleeping. And the same cotton curtains are gently swaying in the cool breeze.
And you hear her snore.

"Ngggggoork."

What do you say?

"Ssssssheeeesh, Honey! You sound like a boat!'

What has happened? The feelings have gone. Let me say this: 'That's normal. It happens to everyone. But it doesn't mean your love is gone so don't panic!

You can make a decision to love the snoring boat.

You start blaming your partner for the loss of love

This is nutty.

But many people do it: when we don't feel in love, we think it's the fault of the other person. And so we fight him.

Again, we fall out of love because we're human beings.

It's nobody's fault.

The moment you fall out of love, the real work begins.

Let me explain.

This is the most important point I'm going to make. (I got this from Scott Peck in his bestseller book, The Road Less traveled)

Falling in love isn't love

Here's why. When you fall in love?.
a. No decision is required. Falling in love just happens.
b. No effort is required. Falling in love is like? Well, falling.
c. No hard work is required. Falling in love is being bitten by the love bug.

On the other hand, true love requires all three : Decision, effort and lots of hard work. In the Bible, love is a command. You make it happen.

Sure true love can only happen after you've fallen out of love.

When you begin choosing to love, even if you don't feel like doing it ---- that's true love. And that's the foundation of a lasting marriage.

MYTH 4: YOUR PARTNER WILL FULFILL YOU COMPLETELY

Again because falling in love satisfied you completely ----- you want the same satisfaction to last. No it won't.

Consequence? You might fail to recognize a good relationship because your partner isn't fulfilling the needs you should be fulfilling yourself.

Here's the truth: the right partner will fulfill many of your needs but not all of them .

There are just some things your husband can't give you: you're self-worth. Your spirituality. Your inner happiness. These are things you have to work on your own.

I've met lots of people who think they're dissatisfied with their marriage. In reality, they're dissatisfied with themselves.

I've met lots of people who think they're bored with their marriages. And they complain to the high heavens how boring their husband or wife is ---- when in truth, they're really bored with life.

Meet your own needs. Find your happiness in God. Find your niche, your calling, your destiny. And then share your joy with your spouse.

MYTH 5 : IF IT'S TRUE LOVE YOU WON"T BE ATTRACTED TO ANYONE ELSE

If you believe in this myth, you panic when you get attracted to someone else, questioning the authenticity of your love for your spouse.

One man told me, 'Bo, I love my wife. Or I thought I did. But then I met this woman at work. She has nice make-up. She smells nice. She wears a pencil-cut skirt. When I go home, my wife is wearing a drab rag. Her hair is undone. She smells of vinegar.

Gosh I am attracted to this girl at work."

Being attracted to someone is normal ----- even if you have a happy marriage. But being attracted doesn't mean falling into adultery.

Every time you think of the other woman, discipline your heart and say, 'Home, boy,
Home!' and escort your heart back to your wife. Because if you feed your attraction with fantasies and constantly think about the other woman, it grows. But if you starve your attraction, it dies a natural death.

Best Explanation Ever

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen: A man went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.

"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist! That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Thanking God

Dear GOD:

I want to thank You for what you have already done.
I am not going to wait until I see results or receive rewards;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until I feel better or things look better;

I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until people say they are sorry or until they stop talking about me;
I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the pain in my body disappears

I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until my financial situation improves;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until the children are asleep and the house is quiet;

I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I get promoted at work or until I get the job;
I am going to thank you right now.
I am not going to wait until I understand every experience in my life that has caused me pain or grief;

I am thanking you right now.
I am not going to wait until the journey gets easier or the challenges are removed;
I am thanking you right now.
I am thanking you because I am alive.

I am thanking you because I made it through the day's difficulties.
I am thanking you because I have walked around the obstacles.
I am thanking you because I have the ability and the opportunity to do more and do better.
I'm thanking you because FATHER, YOU haven't given up on me.

God is just so good, and he's good all the time.

Do Not Use Your Hand Phone At Any Hospital

This mail was actually forwarded by a nurse in the Critical Care Unit of a local private hospital. Just turn off our phone next time when you are in the hospital. The person being affected may just be someone you love.

When you enter a hospital, do look out for signs that say: "NO CELL PHONES ALLOWED". You might not realize what unfortunate things can happen due to your negligence. Be considerate!

A 4 year-old girl was admitted due to leg fracture. As it was an open fracture, she had to undergo an operation to stitch the protruding bone back in place. The girl was hooked onto a life support system during the operation. The doctors input data into the life support system before she began the surgery. The operation went well until all in a sudden the life support system went dead.

It was found out that an idiot was using his/her hand phone outside the operation Theatre. The frequency had actually affected the system. They tried to track the fellow but to no avail. The little girl, young and innocent as she was, died soon after due to the failure of the life support system.

Message: Be considerate. Do not use your hand phone at any hospital or places where you're told not to use it. You might not be caught in the act, but you might have killed someone without knowing it!

Wanted To Be A Superhero?

Ever wanted to become a superhero?

Well, you now most certainly can.

What you do is you go to this URL: http://name.youaremighty.com

In place of the word NAME, put in your real name, or whatever name you go with. It could be Bob or Bill. Or Susan or Susie. Just put in your name.

And voila!

Superhero treatment.

Mr. & Mrs. Brown

A husband and wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown.

When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home. The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.
Reporter : Is he in?
Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter : Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.
Reporter : Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown : Quite so...
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter : Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown : You bet. And how he perspires.
Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...
Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...
Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).

P.S.: The reporter has to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk

Robbie wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

Robbie looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Robbie asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, Robbie asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes and shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm married!"

The Mother

1. When you were 1 year old, she fed you and bathed you. You thanked her by crying all the night.

2. When you were 2 years old, she taught you to walk. You thanked her by running away when she called.

3. When you were 3 years old, she made all your meals with love. You thanked her by tossing your plate on the floor.

4. When you were 4 years old, she gave you some crayons. You thanked her by coloring the dinning room table.

5. When you were 5 years old, she dressed you for the holidays. You thanked her by looping into the nearest pile of mud.

6. When you were 6 years old, she walked you into school. You thanked her by screaming, "I'M NOT GOING".

7. When you were 7 years old, she bought you a baseball. You thanked her by throwing it through thenext-door-neighbor window.

8. When you were 8 years old, she handed you an ice cream. You thanked her by dripping it all over your lap.

9. When you were 9 years old, she paid for piano lessons. You thanked her by never even bothering to practice it.

10. When you were 10 years old, she drove you all day, from soccer to gymnastic to one birthday party after another. You thanked her by jumping out of the car and never looking back.

11. When you were 11 years old, she took you and your friends to the movies. You thanked her by asking to sit in the different row.

12. When you were 12 years old, she warned you not to watch certain TV shows. You thanked her by waiting until she left the house.

13. When you were 13, she suggested a haircut that was becoming. You thanked her by telling her she had no taste.

14. When you were 14, she paid for a month away at summer camp. You thanked her by forgetting to write a single letter.

15. When you were 15, she came home from work, looking for a hug. You thanked her by having your bedroom door locked.

16. When you were 16, she taught you how to drove her car. You thanked her by taking it every chance you could.

17. When you were 17, she was expecting an important call. You thanked her by being on the phone all night.

18. When you were 18, she cried at your school graduation. You thanked her by staying out partying until dawn.

19. When you were 19, she paid for your college tuition, drove you to campus, carried your bags. You thanked her by saying good-bye outside the dorm so you wouldn't be embarrassed in front of you friends.

20. When you were 20, she asked whether you were seeing anyone. You thanked her by saying "It's none of you business".

21. When you were 21, she suggested certain careers for your future. You thanked her by saying "I don't want to be like you".

22. When you were 22, she hugged you at your college graduation. You thanked her by asking whether she could pay for a trip to Europe.

23. When you were 23, she gave you furniture for your first apartment. You thanked her by telling your friend it was ugly.

24. When you were 24, she met your fiancé and asked about your plans for the future. You thanked her by glaring and growling, "Muuhh-ther, please!"

25. When you were 25, she helped to pay for your wedding, and she cried and told how deeply she loved you. You thanked her by moving halfway across the country.

26. When you were 30, she called with some advice on the baby. You thanked by telling her, "Things are different now."

27. When you were 40, she called to remind you of a relative's birthday. You thanked her by saying you were "really busy right now."

28. When you were 50, she fell ill and needed you to take care of her. You thanked her by reading about the burden parents become to their children.

29. And then, one day, she quietly died. And everything you never did, came crashing down like thunder on your heart.

IF SHE' S STILL AROUND, NEVER FORGET TO LOVE HER MORE THAN EVER. AND IF SHE' S NOT,
REMEMBER HER UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

The Arab Salesman

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop waiting for fellow tourists.

An Arab salesman approached them carrying belts. After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

"America," the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded,
"She's not from the States."

"'Yes, I am." said the wife.

He looked at her and asked, "Is he your husband?"

"Yes," she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered, "I'll give you 100 camels for her."

The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, "She's not for sale."

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how I'd get 100 camels back home."

Chinese Herbs

A long time ago in China, a girl named Li-Li got married & went to live with her husband and mother-in-law. In a very short time, Li-Li found that she couldn't get along with her mother-in-law at all.

Their personalities were very different, and Li-Li was angered by many of her mother-in-law's habits. In addition, she criticized Li-Li constantly.

Days passed and weeks passed. Li-Li and her mother-in-law never stopped arguing and fighting. But what made the situation even worse was that, according to ancient Chinese tradition, Li-Li had to bow to her mother-in-law and obey her every wish. All the anger and unhappiness in the house was causing Li-Li's poor husband great distress.

Finally, Li-Li could not stand her mother-in-law's bad temper and dictatorship any longer, and she decided to do something about it.

Li-Li went to see her father's good friend, Mr. Huang, who sold herbs.

She told him the situation and asked if he would give her some poison so that she could solve the problem once and for all. Mr. Huang thought for a while, and finally said, "Li-Li, I will help you solve your problem, but you must listen to me and obey what I tell you."

Li-Li said, "Yes, Mr. Huang, I will do whatever you tell me to do."

Mr. Huang went into the back room, and returned in a few minutes with a package of herbs. He told Li-Li, "You can't use a quick-acting poison to get rid of your mother-in-law, because that would cause people to become suspicious.

“Therefore, I have given you a number of herbs that will slowly build up poison in her body. Every other day prepare some delicious meal and put a little of these herbs in her serving. Now, in order to make sure that nobody suspect you when she dies.

“You must be very careful to act very friendly towards her.

“Don't argue with her, obey her every wish, and treat her like a queen."

Li-Li was so happy. She thanked Mr. Huang and hurried home to start her plot of murdering her mother-in-law. Weeks went by and months went by, and every other day, Li-Li served the specially treated food to her mother-in-law. She remembered what Mr. Huang had said about avoiding suspicion, so she controlled her temper, obeyed her mother-in-law, and treated her like her own mother.

After six months had passed, the whole household had changed. Li-Li had practiced controlling her temper so much that she found that she almost never got mad or upset.

She hadn't had an argument with her mother-in-law in six months because she now seemed much kinder and easier to get along with. The mother-in-law's attitude toward Li-Li changed, and she began to love Li-Li like her own daughter. She kept telling friends and relatives that Li-Li was the best daughter-in-law one could ever find. Li-Li and her mother-in-law were now treating each other like a real mother and daughter.

Li-Li's husband was very happy to see what was happening.

One day, Li-Li came to see Mr. Huang and asked for his help again.

She said, "Dear Mr. Huang, please help me to keep the poison from killing my mother-in-law! She's changed into such a nice woman, and I love her like my own mother. I do not want her to die because of the poison I gave her."

Mr. Huang smiled and nodded his head. "Li-Li, there's nothing to worry about. I never gave you any poison. The herbs I gave you were vitamins to improve her health. The only poison was in your mind and your attitude toward her, but that has been all washed away by the love which you gave to her."

Husband And Wife Stories

Husband & Wife - Come Home Late
A woman was complaining to the neighbour that her husband always came home late, no matter how she tried to stop him.
"Take my advice," said the neighbour, "and do what I did. Once my husband came home at three o'clock in the morning, and from my bed I called out: ‘Is that you, Jim?’ And that cured him.”
"Cured him!" asked the woman, "but how?"
The neighbour said, "You see, his name is Bill."

Husband & Wife - Why divorce?
In a divorce court a woman requested the judge: "Your honor, I want to divorce my husband."
"But why ?" asked the judge.
She replied, "Because he is not faithful to me."
The judge asked, "How do you know?"
She replied, "My lord, not a single child resembles him."

Husband & Wife - Love Your Enemy
From his death bed, the husband called his wife and said, "One month after I die I want you to marry Samy."
"Samy! But he is your enemy!"
"Yes, I know that! I've suffered all these years so let him suffer now."

Husband & Wife - Wedding Ring
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

Husband & Wife - Why ?
"Dad, I was away for a week. Yesterday I sent a fax to my wife I'd be home that night, and when I got into my room I found my wife in another man's arms."
“Why, Dad ? Tell me why!"
Dad kept silent for a few minutes, then coolly said, "Maybe, Son, she didn't get the fax."

Husband & Wife - Same Service
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different, I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor. "You're still getting the same service!"

Husband & Wife - Talk About Husband
One woman told another: "My neighbour is always speaking ill of her husband, but look at me, my husband is foolish, lazy and a coward; but have I ever said anything bad about him?"

Husband & Wife - Love To Do
A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"
"I would love to," replied the husband. "But I don't know her well enough."

Husband & Wife - No Answer Back
A man was telling his friends, "When my wife is infuriated, she starts shouting at me, my children and even at our dogs and nobody dares answer her."
One of his friends asked."And when you are angry, what do you do?"
The man replied, "I also shout angrily at the windows and doors of the house and none of them dares to answer back.”

Husband & Wife - Problem Father
"You looked troubled," I told my friend, "what's your problem?"
He replied, "I'm going to be a father."
"But that's wonderful," I said. "What's wonderful? My wife doesn't know about it yet.”

World’s Economics

*TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

*INDIAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You worship them.

* PAKISTAN ECONOMICS*
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, Britain for warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, France for submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world

*AMERICAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead.
You put the blame on some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to mankind.
You wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

* FRENCH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

*GERMAN ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a month and milk themselves.

*BRITISH ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
They are both mad.

*ITALIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

*SWISS ECONOMICS *
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

*JAPANESE ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You re-design them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create cute cartoon cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

*CHINESE ECONOMICS *
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest anyone reporting the actual numbers.

*RUSSIAN ECONOMICS*
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of Vodka.

Blonde On Train

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.

Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, "Honey, are you feeling all right?"

"Not really," the blonde replied. "I'm nauseous from sitting backward on the train."

"Poor dear," Mom said. "Why didn't you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?"

"I couldn't," she replied, "there was no one there."

Microwaved Water - See What It Does To Plants

(Note - The following info is from Ms. Nenah Sylver and found it of such importance that we are posting it hoping that the author will contact us so we can give full attribution.)

Below is a science fair project that my granddaughter did for 2006. In it she took filtered water and divided it into two parts. The first part she heated to boiling in a pan on the stove, and the second part she heated to boiling in a microwave. Then after cooling she used the water to water two identical plants to see if there would be any difference in the growth between the normal boiled water and the water boiled in a microwave. She was thinking that the structure or energy of the water may be compromised by microwave. As it turned out, even she was amazed at the difference.

I have known for years that the problem with microwaved anything is not the radiation people used to worry about, It's how it corrupts the DNA in the food so the body can not recognize it. So the body wraps it in fat cells to protect itself from the dead food or it eliminates it fast. Think of all the Mothers heating up milk in these "Safe" appliances. What about the nurse in Canada that warmed up blood for a transfusion patient and accidentally killed them when the blood went in dead. But the makers say it's safe. But proof is in the pictures of living plants dying.


FORENSIC RESEARCH DOCUMENT
Prepared By: William P. Kopp
A. R. E. C. Research Operations
TO61-7R10/10-77F05
RELEASE PRIORITY: CLASS I ROO1a

Ten Reasons to Throw out your Microwave Oven
From the conclusions of the Swiss, Russian and German scientific clinical studies, we can no longer ignore the microwave oven sitting in our kitchens. Based on this research, we will conclude this article with the following:

1). Continually eating food processed from a microwave oven causes long term - permanent - brain damage by "shorting out" electrical impulses in the brain [de-polarizing or de-magnetizing the brain tissue].

2). The human body cannot metabolize [break down] the unknown by-products created in microwaved food.

3). Male and female hormone production is shut down and/or altered by continually eating microwaved foods.

4). The effects of microwaved food by-products are residual [long term, permanent] within the human body.

5). Minerals, vitamins, and nutrients of all microwaved food is reduced or altered so that the human body gets little or no benefit, or the human body absorbs altered compounds that cannot be broken down.

6). The minerals in vegetables are altered into cancerous free radicals when cooked in microwave ovens.

7). Microwaved foods cause stomach and intestinal cancerous growths [tumors]. This may explain the rapidly increased rate of colon cancer in America.

8). The prolonged eating of microwaved foods causes cancerous cells to increase in human blood.

9). Continual ingestion of microwaved food causes immune system deficiencies through lymph gland and blood serum alterations.

10). Eating microwaved food causes loss of memory, concentration, emotional instability, and a decrease of intelligence.

Have you tossed out your microwave oven yet? After you throw out your microwave, you can use a toaster oven as a replacement. It works well for most and is nearly as quick. The use of artificial microwave transmissions for subliminal psychological control, a.k.a. "brainwashing", has also been proven. We're attempting to obtain copies of the 1970's Russian research documents and results written by Drs. Luria and Perov specifying their clinical experiments in this area.

Google Is Not Only A Search Engine

When you now organize a street interview and ask people "What is Google", I assume more than 90 percent of the people answer that Google is a search engine. Indeed, Google is a search engine and it is probably its core business, but Google is much more!

A short overview of the main services of Google:
++ Google Web Search Features ++ Besides the traditional Google search engines in different languages, there is also a local search engine available:
- Google Local. As Google Local is in beta, only US searches are possible. Are you living in Detroit and hungry and you want a taco, do a search on http://local.google.com/ and you get a list of all taco restaurants.
- Google Mobile: search with your cell phone online information http://mobile.google.com/
- Google Print: puts book content right in the Google search results http://print.google.com/
- Calculator: Type a mathematical _expression (e.g. 5+2*3) in the Google seach box and you get the result, even with complicated math!
- Definitions: when you search for 'define Personal Computer', you get the definition of that word
- With Froogle, you can search for products (independent free service) http://froogle.google.com/ and http://labs.google.com/frooglewml.html (Froogle for your cell phone)
- With 'I'm Feeling Lucky' next to the Google search box you will see directly the first web page for your query. You will not see the other search results at all.
- Movies: To find reviews and showtimes for movies playing near you, type 'movies', 'showtimes' or the name of a current film into the Google search box
- With PhoneBook you can search for US business and residence phone numbers in the Google search box, e.g. 'John, Fitzgerald, Washington'
-Q&A answers (all) your questions in the Google search box, e.g. birthplace Bill Clinton
- You can get specialized information in the Google search box of parcels, patents or other specialized numbers.
- Restrict your search to a specific site (Site Search), e.g. 'google site: www.wallies.info' for wallies.info pages with the word 'google'
- Stock Quotes in the Google search box, e.g. GOOG for the Google stock quote
- Weather conditions and a four-day forecast for a particular U.S. location, e.g. 'weather Miami, fl' in the Google Seach box;
- Travel information: To see delays and weather conditions at a particular airport, type the airport's three letter code followed by the word 'airport'; To check the status of a U.S. flight, type the name of the airline followed by the flight number.
- Google Alerts send you an email with the latest search results of your query. http://www.google.com/alerts
- With Google Catalogs you can search mail-order catalogs online. http://catalogs.google.com/
- Search for images with Google Image Search http://images.google.com/
- Google Scholar enables you to search specifically for scholarly literature. http://scholar.google.com/
- Google special searches: http://www.google.com/unclesam ( U.S.Government),
http://www.google.com/linux, http://www.google.com/bsd (BSD), http://www.google.com/mac.html (Apple Macintosh), http://www.google.com/microsoft.html
- Google University Search enables you to search to a specific school website. http://www.google.com/options/universities.html
- The Google web directory http://directory.google.com/



++ Webmaster Tools ++
- Enter 'link: www.wallies.info' in the Google search box will show you all pages that point to wallies.info;
- Add your URL to Google on http://www.google.com/addurl
- Develop your own Google applications with Google Web API's. http://www.google.com/apis/
- Google Adsense: place relevant ads on your pages and get paid https://www.google.com/adsense/
- With Google Adwords you can create your own ads. https://adwords.google.com/



++ Stand alone services ++
- With the xml Google Sitemaps, https://www.google.com/webmasters/sitemaps/ the Google crawler should index faster your website. See also http://www.wallies.info/blog/item/132/index.html.
- Google Blog is the official weblog of the people behind Google: http://googleblog.blogspot.com/
- Blogger is the free weblog service of Google http://www.blogger.com/
- With Google Maps can you search for a specific US location on street level and see a satellite image of that location http://maps.google.com/
- Gmail is Google email with 2GB space http://www.gmail.com/
- Google Groups are discussion groups http://groups-beta.google.com/
- Keyhole: nice satellite imagery of our world. http://www.keyhole.com/
- Google Video enables you to search a growing archive of televised content -- everything from sports to dinosaur documentaries to news shows. http://video.google.com/



++ Google Software ++
- Gmail Notifier: Check your Gmail messages without opening your browser. http://toolbar.google.com/gmail-helper/index?promo=gdl-en
- Google Deskbar lets you search with Google right from your Windows taskbar http://toolbar.google.com/deskbar/
- Google Toolbar is the open-source Googlebar for your browser http://toolbar.google.com/googlebar.html
- Search your own computer with Google Desktop http://desktop.google.com/?promo=gdl-gds-en
- Picasa is free software that helps you instantly find, edit and share all the pictures on your PC: http://www.picasa.com/
- Google Video Viewer is needed for Google Video http://video.google.com/video_download.html



++ Google Labs ++
Google labs showcases a few of our favorite ideas that aren't quite ready for prime time - http://labs.google.com/
- Google Personalized Search: Get the search results most relevant to you http://www.google.com/psearch
- Personalize your Google Homepage with information for you http://www.google.com/ig
- Save time online by loading web pages faster with Google Web Accelarator http://webaccelerator.google.com/
- My Search History Easily access and manage your Google search history from any computer http://www.google.com/searchhistory/
- Find a taxi, limousine or shuttle using real time position of vehicles with Google Ride Finder http://labs.google.com/ridefinder
- As you type your search, Google Suggest offers keyword suggestions in real time http://www.google.com/webhp?complete=1&hl=en
- Google SMS: Get precise answers to specialized queries from your mobile phone or device http://sms.google.com/ and http://www.google.co.uk/sms/
- Google Sets: Automatically create sets of items from a few examples http://labs.google.com/sets



++ Various ++
- Google Store: pens, shirts, lava lamps of Google, http://www.googlestore.com/

Cover Your…

An European, Australian and Asian guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather than his privates. The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize."

Enjoy The Coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and do not change the quality of Life. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee."

So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.

Enjoy The Coffee

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to visit their old university professor. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said: "If you noticed, all the nice looking expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is but normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups and were eyeing each other's cups. Now consider this: Life is the coffee, and the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, and do not change the quality of Life. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee."

So, don't let the cups drive you... enjoy the coffee instead.

Why You Should Not Use Your Cellular Phone In The Toilet

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doing just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point im just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No. I'm a little busy right now!"

Then I hear guy say nervously… “Listen. I'll have to call you back. There's is an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!"

All You Want To Know About Guys

1. Guys don't actually look after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
2. Guys hate flirts.
3. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.
4. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
5. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.
6. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
7. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
8. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
9. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow".
10. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
11. Guys love their moms.
12. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
13. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
14. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
15. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
16. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
17. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
18. Guys are very open about themselves.
19. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
20. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
21. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
22. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
23. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
24. Guys keep secrets that girls tell them.
25. Guys think too much.
26. Guys fantasies are unlimited.
27. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does!
28. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!
29. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
30. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
31. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
32. Guys hate girls who overreact.
33. Guys love you more than you love them IF they are serious in your relationships.

The Worldwide Survey

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant.

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant.

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

News: Why Did Zidane Lose His Head?

From Times News Network
There was always an air of assured unhurriedness about Zinedine Zidane. No matter what the situation, he always looked in control. Defenders would make furious tackles and hack away at him. But the ball was always safe with Zidane.

He could snatch, shield, dribble, distribute and shoot - all with equal felicity and grace. He could take crunch-time penalties and bend inch-perfect free kicks. And he could make a team rally around him. Simply put, Zidane was the complete footballer.

But anybody who has closely followed the long football career of the 34-year-old Frenchman knows that he could also blend the sublime with the savage. Even during a Spanish La Liga game for Real Madrid, it was not unusual to see Zidane making a rough charge that looked uncharacteristic of the man and his game.

On Sunday night, Zidane had another momentary lapse of reason when he butted into Italian Marco Materazzi's chest. Kevin McCarra writes in the Guardian, "He had surely been provoked - there were suggestions that Materazzi had called him 'a terrorist'."

Rob Longley of the Toronto Sun also says, "There were reports later that unnamed French players told reporters Materazzi had used a racial slur to enrage his opponent."

According to a report on Brazilian television channel Globo, Zidane's violent reaction may have been provoked by Materazzi calling his sister a prostitute. Fantastico, a programme on Globo, employed lip-reading experts who said footage of the incident showed the Italian twice insulted Zidane's sister.

This wasn't, however, the first high-profile head-butting incident Zidane was involved in. Playing for Juventus in 2000, he did the same to Jochen Kientz of Hamburg in Champions League leading to a five-match suspension. And he trampled Faoud Amin of Saudi Arabia during the 1998 Cup, earning another red card.

A streak of overcompetitiveness and rage cannot be ruled out in the son of an Algerian immigrant who grew up in the rough suburb of Marseille called La Castellane, an area full of street thugs and social tension. Zidane once said, "It's hard to explain, but I have a need to play intensely every day, to fight every match hard. And this desire - never to stop fighting - is something else I learnt in the place where I grew up. And, for me, the most important thing is that I still know who I am."

Planet Mars Alert!

Planet Mars will be the brightest in the night sky starting August. It will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. This will culminate on Aug. 27 when Mars comes within 34.65M miles of
Earth.

Be sure to watch the sky on Aug. 27 12:30 am. It will look like the Earth has 2 Moons. Don't miss it.

The next time Mars may come this close is in 2287.

What Kind Of Marriage Will You Have?

Choose a number between 1 and 7 and know what sort of marriage you will be having.

Think about the number.

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. .
. . .
. . . .
. . . . .
. . . .
. . .
. .
.

Ok here are the results:

1. Arranged marriage
2. No marriage
3. Love marriage
4. Love + arranged marriage
5. Marriage with friend
6. You will have more than one marriage
7. You'll go against your parents and marry

Need Some Pick Up Lines?

Well, there’s one now. A list, actually. Some authors tried their luck and set up the top ten pick up lines and this list has already been translated in various languages – English, Czech, French, Italian, Spanish, and German.

These authors even tried making their own list. But as for the other pick up lines, they took it from various sources.

According to Anna Stevenson who is from Chambers Harrap, “The French and Itailans are especially renowed for their romantic ways but it seems that chat-up lines are the same no matter what language you are speaking.”

Here some samples:
* Was your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
* Didn’t it hurt when you fell from heaven?
* You must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all day.
* The only things your eyes haven’t told me is your name.

Men!

Driving my friend Bill and his girlfriend to the airport, I passed a billboard showing a bikini-clad beauty holding a can of beer.

Bill's girlfriend glanced up at it and announced, "I suppose if I drank a six-pack of that brand, I'd look like her."

"No," Bill corrected, "If I drank a six-pack, you'd look like her."

An Interview With A Blonde

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh, that!” replies the blonde, "I was just running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

The Hunters

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up.

They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected. "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind," he stated.

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this.

Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.

But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness.

Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where the plane crashed last year."

A Good Quote

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
- Rodney Dangerfield.

Company Policy

Effective- NOW

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Death
At least two weeks notice is required, so that we can find some one to replace you. No excuse for accidental death.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations.

Funny Signs

Have you ever seen signs that made you guffaw with laughter?

Well, let me share with you some signs that I've come across over the Internet. Of course, these pictures were taken by somebody else and not me. By the way, if the pictures are not that clear, you can click on the pictures for a better view.

First one...
Bring on the showgirls!

Here is a good sign why you should slow down.

Here's another good one that you should bring to games. But beware. You could get in trouble!

The person who made this sign sure did know what kind of language to use.

When you are lost and looking for directions, this sign surely will tell you you actually are and what lies ahead.

I would not know whether to laugh or be angry at this one but sure enough, it is a clever gift tag.

Very good warning sign.

Want to go out and dine at KFC? Here's one of their specialties.

Here's what James Bond would be holding up when he gets out of a job.

Here is a sign in a zoo that talks about the caretakers' concern about their animals.

Now you'll know what those poles are for.

Beware of the machine.

Here are rules to be followed when you are in a restroom.

A very good definition of going to church.

The very reason why you should dispose of your garbage properly.

Follow the speed limit.

A Truly Nice Ad

This is one of the nicest and coolest ads I've ever seen. See for yourself.